i mess up. a lot.

i can bang my head up against the rail for my failures, but then i would ultimately beat myself into submission, for i have many imperfections. personal ones.

it's safe to say the only thing i've beat so far is my sugar addiction. i no longer need it after every savory bite i take, i no longer eat a pint of ben and jerry's weekly. i do still consume sugar, but now because i want to and i can control it. not because i need it.

i have continued to not consume gluten for the most part. as of late i would say 80% of my eating has not contained gluten. my heartburn, acid reflux, indigestion, and overall stomach health has improved drastically. i still eat my mom's banana cake when she makes it, because, well, it's perfect. but i am not. i get angry at myself for not living a perfectly gluten free life style. especially since i preach the benefits of it constantly.

i also have consumed chicken this last month. a lot of chicken. chick-fil-a chicken. filled with msg's and cholesterol and plenty other ingredients that are terrible for my body. but the smell is intoxicating. so i indulged. a lot. i think i've had my fill for a while. i'm going to make it so.
i get upset with myself for messing up when i study and know the downsides and dangers to my body that gluten, meat, sugar, and fast foods pose. i'm still learning in all of this. i saw another blogger who recently posted her daily eating regimen which she claims has attributed to her 25 lb weight loss. it contains no gluten, refined sugars, or processed carbs. what she listed is essentially a very, very similar meal outline that i follow as well. not a diet. fuck diets. more so a guide. but, for some reason, i became angry and jealous when i saw her blog post. for i have not lost any weight, in fact, i've gained 15 lbs since last december, and i don't follow my own personal food outline that perfectly.

but i've realized, again, i'm not perfect. maybe i won't be terribly thin again like i was last year, for it was too thin for my body type, and maybe i will be gluten-free for the remainder of my life with small indulgences of banana cake and the random croissant here or there. life is short. it's far, far to short to be angry at myself for not being perfect in the way that i eat or look.