let everything happen to you
The Curse and Blessing of Depth
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the grit of it all
streaming off and away
puddling into the murkiness beneath my weight as I sit
in a drawn out bath that feels more swampy than anything.
it's the 23 years of angst, jealousy, vile words, and distorted intentions
that were never consciously intentional to begin with
23 years of pushing away
only to realize what I really wanted was to pull it all in
23 years of desiring something other than what's already here
only to know that fishing is never really about the fish.
it's the sadness that formed a dirty veil over my consciousness,
the anxiety that left actual imprints on my brain forever
something about chemicals and matter and holes that are imprinted after being sad for too long
i'm not sure how it works
so many things I can't understand.
currently looking back at how my energy and demeanor have physiologically bothered some people
I'm told I process things extremely fast (wicked fast was the verbiage used by the medical professional)
and processing things quickly makes for a highly intelligent mind (her words, not mine)
one that is able to evaluate many things, including deep emotions, regularly, with high intensity.
many people's minds can not and will not do that.
so we have a square peg and a round hole.
to feel things so deeply is a blessing
and a curse.
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