I remember letting the heaviness of my bones release their weight, collapsing onto clean sheets and curling my spine into a fetal position. 

only to let the sorrow fill the hollowness of my chest. 

at 18 years old, you feel that you know a lot. and perhaps, you do. 

but I didn't know a lot. mainly, I didn't know how to truly lift the veil of my emotions and express them with authentic vulnerability. mainly, to see shit as it really is. 

we live in a society where vulnerability is weakness. vulnerability is naive. vulnerability is too honest, too open. vulnerability is considered to be lacking in "mystery", giving way to our true feelings "too soon".  

think about that for a moment. 

in all relationships, especially when coasting through the years of dating, many would rather play cat and mouse, the fox and the hen, without even being consciously aware that they are partaking in these games. many believe that that is just the way "it's done".

so that was/ is lesson number 1. be vulnerable with your emotions. lift the veil and see what is really there.

lesson 2 will stem from the lecture of my very own buddha, tara brach. she says, "between the stimulus and the response is a space- and in that space is your power and your freedom; you must be willing to pause."

at 18, i was starting to lift the veil, but i wasn't pausing. i wasn't sitting with and befriending what was there. i wasn't responding, i was reacting. in anger, with ugly words, to everyone around me. my feelings pissed me off. badly.

only a few have seen me so violently angry, when i was solely seeing red with my blinders on; i saw nothing else.

i still  struggle with the pause. it happened two weeks ago. i was feeling jealous, i was feeling separation, and mainly sadness and fear about losing my best friend to her marriage. i had been feeling these things for about 6 months, on top of exterior stressors around the summer with school, work, and finances, and not to mention, coming off of prozac; which is the kicker.

i was becoming increasingly jealous and bitter of my best friend- the girl who has never ever intentionally hurt, ignored, berated, or put me down. she has always been there in every capacity- maybe not physically as she resides in michigan, but she has been by my side in every other form possible.

i said something mean two weeks ago. with no intention of kindness, for i let the red i was seeing overcome the true authenticity of the deeper feelings that were wading inside me. the salt water came again that night, nearly in buckets.

i denied it. i buried it. i was ashamed of it- i needed to remind myself daily that i was good enough, i was a good friend. but it took that incident before i really sat with the jealousy; invited it to tea.

here's where lesson 3 comes in (again, by tara brach);

"Carl Jung describes a paradigm shift in understanding the spiritual path: Rather than climbing up a ladder seeking perfection, we are unfolding into wholeness. We are not trying to transcend or vanquish the difficult energies that we consider wrong—the fear, shame, jealousy, anger. This only creates a shadow that fuels our sense of deficiency. Rather, we are learning to turn around and embrace life in all its realness—broken, messy, vivid, alive."

we need to feel it. to accept the aliveness, the messiness, the tears drenching my pillowcase, the knot in my stomach. 

***practice Radical Acceptance by pausing and then meeting whatever is happening inside us with this kind of unconditional friendliness. Instead of turning our jealous thoughts or angry feelings into the enemy, we pay attention in a way that enables us to recognize and touch any experience with care. Nothing is wrong -- whatever is happening is just "real life."  -tara brach

i feel it all. and it's ok. because when you feel something, approach it head on,
it will set you free.