let everything happen to you
Bad Coffee
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the past two years haven't been ideal.
i say this with knowing full-well that i have my health and that of my friends and family. i've got a roof over my head. so, many of these sentences will not carry much weight; they are simply this- wafty complaints.
the fairy tale story of following my dreams turned into a howling nightmare in 2012. it peaked though, later in the sleep cycle, and my dream world was lucid and lovely thereafter. that's the good truth. i even woke up well-rested once it was all over.
my time in new york, that is.
there are reasons things don't work out. right? i have to believe that in order to survive this life. we all do. trust me on that.
since i've been down i've also bought two cars (i don't have the energy or kindness in my soul to eloquently explain that one), one car being financed and a pretty good ride, and therefore, depleted the rest of my life savings.
I'm quite the type-a person. and i always feel bogged down by my lists.
lists of things to do. things to buy. things to do later. things to fix. bills, and when they're due. lists of passwords to remember. lists of places to travel. lists of the bucket-kind. lists of potential jobs, advocacy interests, baby names? (creepy, whatever.)
my mind is always. going. always. going.
those lists don't even include the notes on my iphone and my iCalendar. it's just too much.
so today i went to the gyn for a routine check-up. and i had a mental breakdown.
"it's okay!", he said, handing me the scratchiest paper towel in existence. the thick brown kind from elementary school. "we're out of tissues in here for a reason!"
i say this with knowing full-well that i have my health and that of my friends and family. i've got a roof over my head. so, many of these sentences will not carry much weight; they are simply this- wafty complaints.
the fairy tale story of following my dreams turned into a howling nightmare in 2012. it peaked though, later in the sleep cycle, and my dream world was lucid and lovely thereafter. that's the good truth. i even woke up well-rested once it was all over.
my time in new york, that is.
there are reasons things don't work out. right? i have to believe that in order to survive this life. we all do. trust me on that.
since i've been down i've also bought two cars (i don't have the energy or kindness in my soul to eloquently explain that one), one car being financed and a pretty good ride, and therefore, depleted the rest of my life savings.
I'm quite the type-a person. and i always feel bogged down by my lists.
lists of things to do. things to buy. things to do later. things to fix. bills, and when they're due. lists of passwords to remember. lists of places to travel. lists of the bucket-kind. lists of potential jobs, advocacy interests, baby names? (creepy, whatever.)
my mind is always. going. always. going.
those lists don't even include the notes on my iphone and my iCalendar. it's just too much.
so today i went to the gyn for a routine check-up. and i had a mental breakdown.
"it's okay!", he said, handing me the scratchiest paper towel in existence. the thick brown kind from elementary school. "we're out of tissues in here for a reason!"
he then kindly whispered that confessions are made in two places; church, and your gynecologist's office.
i had to smile. it made no sense. but i smiled.
it's hard to see the weights of the world falling upon yourself as it happens. one weight here. one there. a balancing act of dumbbells, if you will. it keeps piling on until you wake up, exhausted, sore. and you can't breathe.
you wake up, and your chest is so incredibly heavy, you can't breathe.
but, if you let your body and mind, if you let it (that's the key and the hardest part), it will heal itself. muscle memory is a beautiful thing. your brain obviously included.
anytime i fall back into the trajectory path of horrid thought patterns, bad habits against myself, and hurtful words, i can remember. how i overcame the first time. and then again. and again.
i had to smile. it made no sense. but i smiled.
it's hard to see the weights of the world falling upon yourself as it happens. one weight here. one there. a balancing act of dumbbells, if you will. it keeps piling on until you wake up, exhausted, sore. and you can't breathe.
you wake up, and your chest is so incredibly heavy, you can't breathe.
but, if you let your body and mind, if you let it (that's the key and the hardest part), it will heal itself. muscle memory is a beautiful thing. your brain obviously included.
anytime i fall back into the trajectory path of horrid thought patterns, bad habits against myself, and hurtful words, i can remember. how i overcame the first time. and then again. and again.
so maybe there is value in writing about this. maybe.
*all of this stemmed from the tipped iceberg- the cause of that being some bad (literally expired) coffee. go figure.
*all of this stemmed from the tipped iceberg- the cause of that being some bad (literally expired) coffee. go figure.
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