You Have to Endure It

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anxiety usually rears its' ugly head into every fiber of my being when i wake up at home, alone. it permeates through my body, physically, then settles into my mind.

"you'll never be able to live alone"

"you'll never be able to travel far and wide"

"you'll never have a meaningful career"

"your degree means nothing"

"you'll never lose the weight you gained"

"you'll never have a good relationship with your father"

all of things flutter by my brain and settle into adrenaline that spikes my heart rate, chops my breathing, restricts my throat.

the single most important thing i've learned on my journey to recovering from panic/ general anxiety disorder is this: feel it all. let it all flow through you, let it scare you, let your hands shake. and keep on going. 

following that advice has cured me from panic attacks. not medication. not therapy. not a new hobby.

just feeling every fucking piece of it. and still, i carry on. 

there is an ultimate freedom and release in sitting, soaking in the discomfort that is anxiety. you learn to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. and there is freedom in that.

this morning, i stumbled upon a quote in the midst of the ugly thing. and after reading it, i put my head down on my laptop and cried. because it so perfectly and lucidly says everything i have been trying to understand for the past 6 years.

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” 

― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

"You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it". if there is anything i could say to a large group of people, it would be this. 

have a beautiful day. 


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